I read a couple of my old posts from 2008, and it amazes me how much my life has changed.

The nights used to spend crying, miserable, and looking for reasosn to be upset, sad, and angry all at once… How everything in that moment seemed like the only thing that was important to me, and yet, I continually tried to tell myself that there was more out there. I knew it- I just didn’t believe it, yet.

I always feel like I’m trying to learn to breath easy again. Geez how many of those posts do I have? Maybe I need to learn to exhale as well because clearly this breathing easy bullshit has failed me. ;)

I don’t know yet what it is exactly I’m trying to say, but I’ll get the words out eventually. I do know that I’m still extremely thankful for the life I live, and as always, tomorrow is a new day. :D

i could backtrack and blog about everything that has been going on since my last blog, but that would take too much effort.. and quite frankly, i don’t think i remember everything that has happened since my last blog. haha. it’s been a busy month or so as always.

first of all, i’m going to share my newest tattoo. :D i got done at tatu tattoo by justin in chicago when i was there on vacation with my cousin. it was the reason we were almost late for our flight, and why we were running through security carrying 4 boxes of chicago deep dish pizza and our carry on luggage. good times!

it’s my grandma’s nickname “Ilang” with 2 roses and open book (roses were here favorite flower, and she taught me how to read), and it sits on the back of my neck.

and of course, i’m in love with it. :D my mother still hasn’t seen it. i should probably show it to her soon. im kind of getting tired of hiding it with my hair, and it’s still sort of itchy so my hair irritates it as well. it’ll be fun telling my mom. she still hasn’t seen the trio of cherry blossoms behind my ear. haha. oh well.

moving on… i’ve been lazy about taking pictures which is why nothing has been uploaded or updated on my shutterfly account. wa waa. i’ll get back on that sometime soon, maybe this weekend when i head down to sd again. i feel like i’ve been in sd more than usual, and normally i’d be hella complaining because it means staying at my parents, but they’ve actually been pretty chill lately. so i’m not complaining, and i get to eat filipino food.

in other news, i had some retarded dreams again last night. though i could partially blame it on the 2 pitchers of beer that hannah and i consumed at friar tucks. the laker game was on, and we were being supportive. :D but yeh, i had a very vivid dream about losing my newest pair of pumas at somewhere that resembled a marshalls or a ross or nordstrom rack – one of those places, and being SUPER upset about it. i woke up freaking out and thinking that i really lost my shoes. wtf!? i mean really – its just a pair of fucking shoes. ridic man. i may need to stop drinking to prevent the retarded and super vivid dreams.

in regards to my “oh bliss” moments – he’s no longer around (hasn’t been for awhile), and i’m okay with that now. i had spent last month being sad, upset, and crying over it, and now, its nice to have it out of my system. :) once again, i will say that i still think he’s a decent guy, could be a great guy given the opportunity. but he is who he is, and that was the reason why i did care for him. unfortunately because he is who he is, he also drove me crazy, and we definitely were not a good fit for each other. at least i’m no longer dreaming about him – that’s what drove me insane the most. it’s like rubbing salt into the wound, dreaming about him when i no longer could be with him. wtf. but thankfully, those dreams are over and now replaced by dreams about me losing my shoes. i guess i’ll take it. haha.

alright i think i’m blogged out. tomorrow is a new day. :D

honestly, i do feel A LOT better than i did a few weeks ago, and i got the closure i needed. so really, i shouldn’t be complaining. i still think he’s a good guy, and he can definitely be a jerk if he wants to be… and he was to me at times, but when it came to the end, i still can’t be mad or upset with him.

life goes on. :)

i’ve had this post open for the past 30 minutes, and i can’t think of anything coherent to say that will adequately express the way i’m feeling right now.

and another 15 minutes have passed, and i still don’t know where to start.

i don’t want to dwell on it because i run the thin line of letting it consume me, but i feel like i need to let a little bit of it out just for my own sanity. i spent a good 4-5 days crying over it a few weeks ago, and i was miserable.

then i saw him again, and i knew that the end was near. i’ts been a long time coming, and even though i’m sad that it’s over, i’m glad that it ended the way it did. i’d been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this for awhile, and now that it’s finally here.. it still stings a little.

i wish i could be mad at him, but i’m not. i’m just sad.

without going into too much detail about my chicago trip, it was fucking awesome! (longer/detailed blog to come later.) i’ve been in san diego, at my parents’ house since monday night. it’s wednesday, and i am ready to get the fuck out. :P not that i don’t love my parents, and they’ve actually been pretty chill.. i’m just kind of over it. i MISS my condo. :( like it’s fucking ridiculous how much i miss my own house, my own space, and just being by myself.

in other news, i have one more loose end to tuck way? snip off? i’m not quite sure what the proper analogy for it is.. but either way, there’s just ONE more thing i have to do, and finally, it will be all out of my system.. well not all out, but continuing its slow fade into a memory that i WON’T be bitter about.

*breathe* and now go pack! :D

be back later. hopefully.

why do i let myself get caught up in all sorts of bullshit?

oh yeh, that’s right – because i’m a glutton for pain.

i mean really, was i really trippin over all that bullshit? i mean geezus fucking christ. it’s really not that fucking serious.

there are bigger things in life than dumb boys. :P

in other news, i have a busy week or so coming up:

F, 09.01.09 – to the valley

Sa, 10.01.09 – in the valley/hollywood with the cousins

Su, 11.01.09 - charger game & back to san diego

M, 12.01.09 – haven’t decided yet

T, 13.01.09 – jae’s grandma’s viewing at glen abbey in san diego

concurrently: Su, 11.01.09 – F, 16.01.09 – RESTAURANT WEEK in san diego

W, 14.01.09 – i should be in san diego but i probably won’t be :P

Th, 15.01.09 – i really should be in san diego at this point but we’ll see what happens

F, 16, 01.09 – leave for chicago from san diego in the afternoon

Sa, 17.01.09 - in chicago

Su, 18.01.09 – in chicago

M, 19.01.09 – back to san diego in the evening

T, 20.01.09 - dad’s bday & still in san diego

and that pretty much sums up my next week or so. i’m so not ready to go to chicago or the cold weather. i so have other shit i need to do around my house and other misc. errands that i’ve been putting off for awhile. i probably won’t get any of it done before i leave, and i kind of don’t care at this moment. haha.

moving on, a part of me is somewhat embarassed(?) about my last couple of blogs. they’re so damn weepy, sad, emo, pathetic, etc. it’s kind of driving me nuts that i even let myself get to that point, but at the same time, that’s how i felt in that moment, and i don’t deny that.

so i won’t delete the blogs or make them private, but all of them make me chuckle just a little bit when i glance over them.

silly girl. there’s more to life than just this. i need to keep that in mind when i get all hormonal. it’s that damn week right before my period that i get all crazy and emotional. i need to learn to tuck that in better.

in reference to all the stuff i was sad about – first of all, life does go on. second of all, i still stand by the fact that he is a good guy, and i won’t say anything bad about him if and/or when he actually does me HELLA dirty. :P

the end. (for now)

i re-read my last couple of blogs, and now i keep thinking to myself, what the fuck is my problem. all this whining, bitching, and moaning over what? over a boy? over some random fucking boy that doesn’t give a shit? ohmigod; cry me a fucking river. i mean geezus christ. so its ONE boy, another fucking boy.

*sigh*

there’s death and poverty in this world, and i’m crying over a fucking boy. geez, i need to get shit into perspective. don’t get me wrong. i’m still fucking hurting over this shit, and it still makes me tear to think about him because i do miss him… but really, everything does happen for a reason. i don’t regret any of it, and life REALLY does go on.

i’m not it for him – it’s just that simple. i wanted to be. i wished i could be, but i’m not. i would do it all over it again because it was a good time, and i was happy. i don’t ever regret people that have come into my life and shared it with me, but sometimes, shit just doesn’t work out. and there’s absofuckinglutely nothing wrong with that. i need to keep reminding myself that when i get all weepy. :P

i want to be mad at him, be upset with him, call him a douchebag and every other name in the book, but i can’t. when it comes down to it, he is a great guy. i won’t ever know why he let it go on for as long as it did, and i won’t ever know why he did half the things he did. but, the point is, none of that fucking matters anymore.

too much closeness. too many nights together. too many talks. too many mornings when he hit snooze and came back to bed. too many moments when it was just bliss.

and of course it’s the dumb stuff that i miss now: i miss that stupid goofy laugh. i miss being lazy together. i miss watching robot chicken and eating pizza on sunday night. i miss the corny and cocky jokes. i miss his look. i miss his layers – his frankness, his easygoing nature, and the fact that there’s just so much more to him than what he puts out. i miss him – it’s just that simple.

*breathe*

so we move on once again. let it go. shake it off. life goes on.